The Spark

One of the biggest complaints I get in the room (the therapy room) is the loss of intimacy in a couple’s relationship. They complain about feeling more like roommates than soulmates.

Maybe they have been together for a long time, maybe they are new parents, maybe they feel like the spark that brought them together is gone. Whatever the reason they believe got them there, they always show up to find their spark.  

The first thing I do is welcome them because without realizing it, the couple has taken steps to work on their relationship by showing up. What they usually can pinpoint is sex has disappeared. But what they often report feeling is like things are boring, they aren’t connecting or feel like friends and not lovers. Sex, to them, is the indicator that there has been a noticeable shift in the relationship. The feeling that they are missing isn’t usually about whether they are having sex, but about the intimacy in the relationship. But,

Intimacy is much more than sex.

Intimacy is feeling emotionally safe and protected by your partner.

Intimacy is being able to be yourself and feel really seen by your partner.

Intimacy is feeling completely connected to your partner.

Intimacy is playfulness and passion

Intimacy is valuing closeness more than performance

Intimacy is acknowledging your own sexual fears and frustrations and still feeling accepted and respected.

Intimacy is being able to ask openly for what pleases you while feeling comfortable to set limits on what doesn’t.

Intimacy is having compassion for each other and your imperfections.

So, I explain being intimate goes well beyond just having sex with someone, it is about showing up in a vulnerable way and feeling held in the moments together. Maybe in the chaos of your life you feel less intimate with your partner. Maybe with kids or work, intimacy can feel like only a memory. The good news, in most relationships the spark that bonded you with your partner never really goes away. The intimacy is there and even if it doesn’t feel like the beginning of the relationship, it is a deeper love and connection than the honeymoon phase. Usually, you are at a place where you’ve given your partner what they need to destroy you, yet they choose not to. That’s complete intimacy.

So, maybe you feel like your spark is gone. Maybe you feel like you are living with your friend and not your lover. There is always hope in your relationship if you’re willing to work at it…

That’s what sex and relationship therapists are here for!