Sex Redefined

Most people use sex and intercourse interchangeably. But this is not completely accurate. Using these terms interchangeably is like saying an appetizer is the same thing as an entire meal. Yes, an appetizer is a part of the meal, but it is only one aspect. Yes, it could be the whole meal, or it could be skipped altogether.

Intercourse has always been painted as the main event, the thing that makes sex, sex.  With everything else labeled as “foreplay” or “just playing around’ and as such, not seen as not the real deal. That is doing a disservice to sex. Even doing a disservice to women since more than 70% of women can only reach orgasm through clitoral stimulation. Sex is so much more than intercourse. Sex is both partners experiencing intimacy and pleasure. Sex is not some race to win.

One of the reasons why we need to change seeing sex as intercourse is for those who may not be able to perform 100% of the time. But sex has always been portrayed as this performance. The main event in some hot and steamy night.  Wow, what a lot of pressure. No wonder when guys don’t stay hard as long as they would like or can’t get erections every time they want, they become embarrassed and ashamed. Or even women who may suffer from pain during intercourse, how much guilt does that bring to the relationship when you can’t “perform”? Just think about it, with all the pressure to perform, stage freight is bound to happen.

Another reason sex isn’t intercourse is because not everyone has intercourse, maybe even ever. Let’s look at relationships who may not have a penis packer or a vulva owner, what if there are two penises or two vaginas’? Does that mean sex doesn’t happen since there may never be intercourse? So then, that can lead to a whole lot of other feelings. Like, if you are in that type of relationship it can make you feel invalid or illicit unwanted questions. It can lead to questions like, “what do you guys do for sex?” A question I and most lesbians have been asked a hundred times at least. Why is it so impossible to believe some folks aren’t interested in penetration of any kind? Because, we are taught intercourse is sex, but it’s not.

So, let’s change that. What happens when we change this common misconception? When we differentiate between sex and intercourse. When intercourse becomes optional, sex then becomes this whole experience and can look a million different ways. Sex can consist of just oral on one or both partners or maybe a night of anal penetration followed by some amazing cuddling. Sex can include manual stimulation of one partner followed by some hardcore making out. Sex can be one partner tied up and spanked. Do you get my point? Sex can be all or none of these things. Sex is literally what you make of it. Understanding this and reframing how we view sex empowers everyone in every relationship. By reframing, we stop seeing intercourse as something to get to and we slow down and enjoy the delicious moments of intimacy that is happening during sex. We take the pressure of someone to perform and we open up space for both partners (or more) to enjoy what is happening. We can slow down and feel pleasure and be present in the activities that are taking place. Then both partners (again, or more) leave the experience satisfied and connected. Connection can then happen in those moments before, during AND after. Doesn’t that sound amazing?