Solo Sex

Right now, the concept of self-care is getting a lot of attention in the media. This is great! Self-care is essential to maintain physical and emotional health. But, so often overlooked is the most intimate form of self-care? Isn’t masturbation a form of self-care?

Solo sex, as I like to call it, is one of those things we never talk about. Masturbation is and has always been, culturally, this secret act that is shameful. Part of sex education is never about proper toy cleaning, helpful techniques or even the benefits of solo sex. Instead, we are shamed about something that is perfectly normal. Since we aren’t taught about masturbation, much like sex, we get our information from what we see in the media or porn. So that means, what we have learned is apple pies are warm and sometimes things can happen at band camp. I am of the knowledge is power school of thought and I think learning is so incredibly important. Without knowledge or education on the subject, stories are created, and myths become truth. Here are just 3 of the myths about masturbation:

1.      Masturbation can ruin sex with partners. Myth. I have seen clients and couples who believe or have been told how masturbating can ruin sex with partners because they become less sensitive. Solo sex can translate very well to partnered sex. Women, especially, can benefit so much from exploring their bodies on their own. To learn what feels best can only help when you are having sex with a partner.

2.      Children who masturbate are at risk for promiscuity or have been abused. Myth. All children self-stimulate in some form or fashion. Children explore their bodies through touch and sensation. Children use touch to self-soothe and for pleasure. Excessive masturbation in children is often related to anxiety and stress and not a child sexualized too early. This assumption is made by adults who see masturbation as a sexual act and for children it’s not. If you find your child masturbating, try not to freak out. Teach them this is to be done in private. Age appropriate sexual education, according to research, can actually result in less promiscuity and risk-taking in adolescence.

3.      Masturbating means you aren’t satisfied sexually in your relationship. Myth.  Sex by yourself and sex with a partner typically have different goals. Sex with a partner is about connection and intimacy. Sex alone can be about stress relief, routine, a way to get to sleep or exploration. Masturbation can be a way to manage differences in libido between partners. Masturbation may not have a single thing to do with your partner.

Masturbation is such a common experience and something that shouldn’t be shrouded in shame and lack of knowledge.  To engage in solo sex is to learn about your body and explore the things that work, and don’t. Masturbation can be the ultimate form of self-care as you are taking time to get in your body and feel sensations that can be challenging for some people when they are with a partner. This is the time to practice, to dedicate time to yourself and your body. To practice a little self-love in an intimate way.

I often encourage my clients to educate themselves, on themselves. Seek out books that allow you to learn about the inner workings of your body so you can show up for yourself and your partner. If you don’t know where to begin, start with online classes or find a local sex therapist to gain education and knowledge. Take care of yourself in EVERY way possible.

When Things Go Wrong..

Relationships can be wonderful and amazing.

But relationships can be frustrating and even a bit difficult.

A relationship consists of two individuals from completely different backgrounds and experiences. Together those two people are attempting to create a life but with separate visions of what that life will look like. This is where things can get tricky. Often, people in a relationship don’t talk about what their vision for the relationship looks like or where they want the relationship to go. Assumptions suddenly appear and two people who are already bringing past experiences and perspectives into the mix, can start to veer off track.

Getting off track can be scary. Fights happen and suddenly you are afraid of where things are going. Once a wee little pea under the mattress is suddenly the size of a watermelon. How do you get back to where you started? How do you salvage the relationship? Is all lost?

No.

One of the most overlooked but easiest way to fix a relationship seems almost too easy. You just consider the other person.

Too easy? Too simple? No. Here’s why…

When counseling couples, one of the first things I like to teach them is how to express empathy for each other. Empathy, I explain, is the ability to put yourself in your partners shoes. To always be considering your partner’s feelings and experience. This is often at the root of conflict and issues in a relationship. When you stop considering your partner, the relationship can start to shift. Feelings of loneliness and resentment can build, and it can spiral from there.

What does it look like to bring empathy or consideration back into your relationship? Some of things are incredibly simple:

Ask your partner. There is no better way to consider them, than to ask. Whether it’s a problem at work or some decision you are thinking of making, bring them into it. Ask their opinion. Ask how they think you should handle it. A small gesture of seeking them out in this way can make your partner feel heard.

Lean in. I’ll admit, this easy concept can be difficult. Mainly because, everyone copes with stress and problems in different ways. So, for some folks, they tend to disconnect or pull away when things get rough. That isn’t a bad way to deal with things, but when you’re in a relationship you can create a story in your head and for someone partners the story they create when you pull away can feel intentional. Someone who withdraws could be trying to cope with some sort of stressor or something unrelated to the relationship, but the partner creates this story of how they did something wrong, or hurt their partner and distance happens. That’s why leaning into your partner can be such a wonderful thing if even to let them know you are fine and here but you are trying to work through something unrelated or maybe even related. But, letting them know the distance isn’t permanent or it’s not because of something they’ve done.

Actively listen. This one is something so many folks struggle with. The desire to “fix” a problem when maybe just being heard is all your partner is needing. To actively listen, you need to shut off the instinct to trouble shoot. Just stay present in the communication, maybe even mirror back what your partner is saying and validate their experience. Mirroring is an active way of showing your partner you’re listening, and validating is all about making them feel heard. Just being heard can go such a long way in consideration.

Be curious. Sometimes we assume in a relationship what our partner needs or how they feel. As humans, our condition is constantly changing. We are constantly changing. It makes sense that you may not always be in tune with your partners wants or needs. So, get curious. Check in if they are needing alone time or an outlet to recharge their batteries and encourage this. Taking time to care for yourself is important to show up in the best way for your partner. This doesn’t mean you love them less, but you still need to give yourself a little love to be your best in the relationship.

Put yourself in their shoes. This is something I know you have probably heard in childhood or maybe even as an adult. Putting yourself in someone’s shoes is trying to see their perspective. When conflict is happening or there is some big fight, pause the issue and step away. While you are taking time to cool down, think to yourself how your partner is feeling right now. What would it be like to be in their shoes? How would you feel to hear the things your saying or experience the situation from their point of view? If you take the time to realize, even for a second, that your partner has this whole other perspective and what may feel a certain way to you could be completely different for them.

Relationships can be hard but feeling connected to your partner, feeling safe and loved is such an amazing feeling. Relationships can’t always be sunshine and daisies, but with a little consideration it can be incredible and connecting.

None of these things are a magical solution, but they can help. If you are struggling to get things back on track or just feeling like maybe you need more help than reading articles can give you, reach out to a couple’s counselor. Having someone trained to heal a relationship can be an empowering experience and one that is worth investing in when things gets dicey. Hopefully even before things get too dire.

Where Does the Sex Go?

Do you ever wonder what about the beginning of a relationship is filled with passion and lots of sex?

Desire is the reason.

Desire can be subtle. Desire can be predictable, but it can also be incredibly unpredictable. Desire is part biology and part psychology. The biological nature of arousal comes from the differences between men and women. For most men, arousal comes before desire. Meaning a man doesn’t necessarily have to feel the desire to be aroused. But for most women, desire often happens first, before arousal. What that means is, for most women, arousal comes in response to physical intimacy, being emotionally connected and good context.

Alfred Kinsey, the pioneer of sex research, once said the only universal in human sexuality is the variability itself. Basically, everyone is different when it comes to sex and desire.

This is the reason sex is so complicated.

That’s why, in order to figure out what your partner desires; you must communicate. Talking about sex can seem scary and make you feel exposed or it can be erotic and playful. In fact, talking about sex actually opens the door to creating a safe and intimate space between partners. A space where acceptance of one another can lead to connection and vulnerability and a chance to be curious about your partner. Creating that curiosity keeps the erotic energy and desire alive in your relationship and prevents a stale partnership where you exist as roommates and not lovers. When this curiosity is lost, romance and passion are often lost. At the beginning of a relationship, desire and intimacy are at its peak as you are curious about this mysterious person. But then, time and obligations shift the relationship out of that beginning phase and into one of comfort and companionship. Not that comfort and companionship isn’t important, it is, but so is intimacy and that is usually the first to disappear.

But, luckily, it can be found again. Desire and passion are never completely lost. They can be found in the spaces between the normal ups and downs of your lives. You just need to know where to look.

Desire is often hidden in the deep conversations and the playfulness on a Sunday morning.

Desire is in the random touch as you pass by in the kitchen, or in the moments when you connect at the end of the day.

Desire is in the moments when you share your day with your partner over coffee and enter their world.

Desire is in the cuddles at night just before you drift off to sleep.

Desire can be created a million different ways; to find out all you need to do is ask. Ask your partner what you do that makes them feel desired. Or, what makes them feel the most connected to you and do more of that.

Some of those ways could be:

Setting aside time weekly to connect. No electronics, no distractions, nothing but you and your partner. You could call it a date and put it in the calendar or you could leave it more spontaneous and just cuddle on the couch rubbing feet, while you replay your week. The activity is less important than taking the time to prioritize one another and give your focus and time to them.

Leave loving or naughty notes for each other. This one may seem a bit simple and silly but it’s a quick and easy way to make your partner smile.

Bring play back into the relationship. This can be more of a personal thing for each couple but that makes it even better. Everything about life can be serious and stressful, bringing play back into the relationship can help you connect on a deeper level.

Flirt like you just met. An easy way to take your relationship back to the beginning, talk like you did then. Send flirty texts or messages, flirt when you are at home and cooking dinner or even when you’re out on a date.

These are just a few and hopefully a good jumping-off point for your relationship. Be as creative as you want and what works for your relationship. Just be intentional with taking the time to prioritize your partner and your relationship and the desire will find it’s way back.

Sex Redefined

Most people use sex and intercourse interchangeably. But this is not completely accurate. Using these terms interchangeably is like saying an appetizer is the same thing as an entire meal. Yes, an appetizer is a part of the meal, but it is only one aspect. Yes, it could be the whole meal, or it could be skipped altogether.

Intercourse has always been painted as the main event, the thing that makes sex, sex.  With everything else labeled as “foreplay” or “just playing around’ and as such, not seen as not the real deal. That is doing a disservice to sex. Even doing a disservice to women since more than 70% of women can only reach orgasm through clitoral stimulation. Sex is so much more than intercourse. Sex is both partners experiencing intimacy and pleasure. Sex is not some race to win.

One of the reasons why we need to change seeing sex as intercourse is for those who may not be able to perform 100% of the time. But sex has always been portrayed as this performance. The main event in some hot and steamy night.  Wow, what a lot of pressure. No wonder when guys don’t stay hard as long as they would like or can’t get erections every time they want, they become embarrassed and ashamed. Or even women who may suffer from pain during intercourse, how much guilt does that bring to the relationship when you can’t “perform”? Just think about it, with all the pressure to perform, stage freight is bound to happen.

Another reason sex isn’t intercourse is because not everyone has intercourse, maybe even ever. Let’s look at relationships who may not have a penis packer or a vulva owner, what if there are two penises or two vaginas’? Does that mean sex doesn’t happen since there may never be intercourse? So then, that can lead to a whole lot of other feelings. Like, if you are in that type of relationship it can make you feel invalid or illicit unwanted questions. It can lead to questions like, “what do you guys do for sex?” A question I and most lesbians have been asked a hundred times at least. Why is it so impossible to believe some folks aren’t interested in penetration of any kind? Because, we are taught intercourse is sex, but it’s not.

So, let’s change that. What happens when we change this common misconception? When we differentiate between sex and intercourse. When intercourse becomes optional, sex then becomes this whole experience and can look a million different ways. Sex can consist of just oral on one or both partners or maybe a night of anal penetration followed by some amazing cuddling. Sex can include manual stimulation of one partner followed by some hardcore making out. Sex can be one partner tied up and spanked. Do you get my point? Sex can be all or none of these things. Sex is literally what you make of it. Understanding this and reframing how we view sex empowers everyone in every relationship. By reframing, we stop seeing intercourse as something to get to and we slow down and enjoy the delicious moments of intimacy that is happening during sex. We take the pressure of someone to perform and we open up space for both partners (or more) to enjoy what is happening. We can slow down and feel pleasure and be present in the activities that are taking place. Then both partners (again, or more) leave the experience satisfied and connected. Connection can then happen in those moments before, during AND after. Doesn’t that sound amazing?

5 Things to Know About Sex

Think back to your childhood and adolescence, how did you learn about sex?

Did you have a sex education class where you were taught about desire, intimacy, and arousal? Most likely not.

Those of us who were lucky enough to have a sexual education class (I use that loosely), learned about sexually transmitted infections, the importance of abstinence and condom installation. Complete failure that left us ill-equipped.

How prepared can you be for life and relationships when you are never taught how to exist in one sexually? How can you talk about what you like sexually when no one was able to even talk to you about what sex actually is?

This is where the trouble with sex begins.

But, this is why I am here, to educate you about sex. But before I do that, let me tell you a smidge about who I am. I’m Heather, a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in sexuality and all the things that entail. To sum it up, I am a sex therapist. Like most things in life, we tend to focus on things that stir something within ourselves. Hence, my graduate studies focused on sexuality as I struggled to figure out my own. Fast forward to the present, I am trained and continue training and supervision to help people with all things sex.

Now, back to the topic at hand. SEX. Here are the top 5 things you need to know about sex.

1.      Sex and intercourse are not the same. With the lack or minimal sex education, we are often left not knowing the difference or assuming they are one and the same. But they are not. Sex is defined by each pair (or more). Sex can consist of mouth on parts, hands and fingers on parts or things inside, outside, the list goes on and on. But, that’s the thing, sex can be anything. Yes, intercourse can be an activity that takes place during sex BUT a penis in a vagina is not all sex is.

2.      Orgasms are not just for guys. If you take anything away from this short introduction, I want this to be it. Women’s orgasms are a priority too. For centuries sex has been framed as the act of a penis in a vagina that ends when the penis ejaculates. Sounds a bit unfair. How about sex begins when desire and arousal begin and ends when both parties are satisfied, whatever that looks like to each couple. Let’s stop thinking of orgasms as a finish line and sex as a race. For quickies, sure, maybe there is a finish line as the kids are screaming or someone must get to work but at that point, all parties should still reach orgasm if they want.

3.      The clitoris is key. Over 70 percent of women can only orgasm through clitoral stimulation. Do you know what that means? If you are a vulva packing person, you have probably faked it. I’m not calling you out, okay I am, stop faking it.  Just because you cannot orgasm through penetration does not mean something is wrong with you. You are in the majority. It is okay to tell your partner you need licked or touched or even pulling out your vibrator. Your orgasm matters. How do you think lesbians have sex and why do you think the statistic is so much higher for sexual satisfaction? I will tell you why, because the clitoris is the focus and that is where the magic happens!

4.      Sex isn’t something you can avoid talking about.  How on earth do you expect someone to know what makes you feel good if you don’t have a clue what makes you feel good? Give yourself some self-love (and by that, I mean masturbate) and figure out what floats your boat. Then talk about it with your partner. After sex, talk about what worked and what didn’t. It might be uncomfortable at first, but that’s how you learn and how you get comfortable.

5.      Intimacy takes time. To keep intimacy in your relationship, you must make the time. I know in the beginning it seems like everything happens spontaneously and the time for intimacy appears out of thin air. But, it doesn’t. The spontaneity of the beginning was well thought out and planned (think about the pre-shave, the time you put into being ready and the dates scheduled) and prioritized. As life happens, you must focus on making intimacy a priority. Don’t lose track of the cuddles and kisses amid work and life. Make time each day to connect to your partner, plan a date or plan to initiate sex. The difference between the beginning of your relationship and now is where sex and intimacy land on your to-do list.

To be fair, we are never taught what we need to know about relationships and sex. We learn the hard way, by failing and experience. Sometimes, we learn through media and pornography which is a whole other conversation. How do you expect your partner to know if you never learned yourself?

So often, sex becomes this big elephant in the room that doesn’t get addressed and then becomes this conflict that goes unresolved. Resentment begins to grow, and a relationship can start to suffer when intimacy disappears.  The good news is, when intimacy is lost, it can be found.

Let me help share what I know and hopefully create a sexier and more connected life. This is just the tip of the iceberg and I hope you will come back to explore each topic a little deeper.