When Things Go Wrong..
Relationships can be wonderful and amazing.
But relationships can be frustrating and even a bit difficult.
A relationship consists of two individuals from completely different backgrounds and experiences. Together those two people are attempting to create a life but with separate visions of what that life will look like. This is where things can get tricky. Often, people in a relationship don’t talk about what their vision for the relationship looks like or where they want the relationship to go. Assumptions suddenly appear and two people who are already bringing past experiences and perspectives into the mix, can start to veer off track.
Getting off track can be scary. Fights happen and suddenly you are afraid of where things are going. Once a wee little pea under the mattress is suddenly the size of a watermelon. How do you get back to where you started? How do you salvage the relationship? Is all lost?
No.
One of the most overlooked but easiest way to fix a relationship seems almost too easy. You just consider the other person.
Too easy? Too simple? No. Here’s why…
When counseling couples, one of the first things I like to teach them is how to express empathy for each other. Empathy, I explain, is the ability to put yourself in your partners shoes. To always be considering your partner’s feelings and experience. This is often at the root of conflict and issues in a relationship. When you stop considering your partner, the relationship can start to shift. Feelings of loneliness and resentment can build, and it can spiral from there.
What does it look like to bring empathy or consideration back into your relationship? Some of things are incredibly simple:
Ask your partner. There is no better way to consider them, than to ask. Whether it’s a problem at work or some decision you are thinking of making, bring them into it. Ask their opinion. Ask how they think you should handle it. A small gesture of seeking them out in this way can make your partner feel heard.
Lean in. I’ll admit, this easy concept can be difficult. Mainly because, everyone copes with stress and problems in different ways. So, for some folks, they tend to disconnect or pull away when things get rough. That isn’t a bad way to deal with things, but when you’re in a relationship you can create a story in your head and for someone partners the story they create when you pull away can feel intentional. Someone who withdraws could be trying to cope with some sort of stressor or something unrelated to the relationship, but the partner creates this story of how they did something wrong, or hurt their partner and distance happens. That’s why leaning into your partner can be such a wonderful thing if even to let them know you are fine and here but you are trying to work through something unrelated or maybe even related. But, letting them know the distance isn’t permanent or it’s not because of something they’ve done.
Actively listen. This one is something so many folks struggle with. The desire to “fix” a problem when maybe just being heard is all your partner is needing. To actively listen, you need to shut off the instinct to trouble shoot. Just stay present in the communication, maybe even mirror back what your partner is saying and validate their experience. Mirroring is an active way of showing your partner you’re listening, and validating is all about making them feel heard. Just being heard can go such a long way in consideration.
Be curious. Sometimes we assume in a relationship what our partner needs or how they feel. As humans, our condition is constantly changing. We are constantly changing. It makes sense that you may not always be in tune with your partners wants or needs. So, get curious. Check in if they are needing alone time or an outlet to recharge their batteries and encourage this. Taking time to care for yourself is important to show up in the best way for your partner. This doesn’t mean you love them less, but you still need to give yourself a little love to be your best in the relationship.
Put yourself in their shoes. This is something I know you have probably heard in childhood or maybe even as an adult. Putting yourself in someone’s shoes is trying to see their perspective. When conflict is happening or there is some big fight, pause the issue and step away. While you are taking time to cool down, think to yourself how your partner is feeling right now. What would it be like to be in their shoes? How would you feel to hear the things your saying or experience the situation from their point of view? If you take the time to realize, even for a second, that your partner has this whole other perspective and what may feel a certain way to you could be completely different for them.
Relationships can be hard but feeling connected to your partner, feeling safe and loved is such an amazing feeling. Relationships can’t always be sunshine and daisies, but with a little consideration it can be incredible and connecting.
None of these things are a magical solution, but they can help. If you are struggling to get things back on track or just feeling like maybe you need more help than reading articles can give you, reach out to a couple’s counselor. Having someone trained to heal a relationship can be an empowering experience and one that is worth investing in when things gets dicey. Hopefully even before things get too dire.
