Making Valentine's Day Last

I have a lot of couples who come to see me who are struggling with their relationships. Maybe they are healing from infidelity. Maybe they are feeling more like roommates than partners. Maybe they have not had sex in months and feeling really disconnected. No matter the reason, there is usually a common thread in all of them. The intentionality is missing.

Being intentional isn’t something we learn or talk about when we are dating someone, it just happens. The honeymoon phase is effortless, and your partner feels like a priority. We are never as intentional in a relationship as we are at the beginning, and Valentine’s day. That’s the reason I love Valentine’s day so much, it sets the intention for you. Every year there is a day on the calendar that remind us we need to make our partner feel loved and seen, just like in the beginning. So, this year, decide to keep the spirit of Valentine’s day going all year long and be an intentional partner.

Here are 5 ways to be deliberate in your relationship this year:

1.      Set aside time each day to check in with your partner in an open and meaningful way. Don’t just get stuck in the busyness of life, check in. Ask your partner how their day was and be present in their answer. Be open to sharing what’s happening in your life and in your day.

2.      Prioritize your partner. When the honeymoon phase ends, we get stuck in the rut of assuming our partner knows how much we love them, we committed to them, right? Wrong. Being intentional is about showing up in your relationship and showing your partner they are a priority in your life.

3.      Show love to your partner. Talk to your partner about how they receive love. We all feel loved in different ways, it’s important that you know what makes your partner feel loved and do that.

4.      See things from your partners perspective. Your partner experiences things differently. So, it isn’t absurd to realize that they see and feel things very differently. When there is conflict in the relationship, take the time to see things from their point of view. Maybe you do not agree, but to walk a mile in your partner shoes can really diffuse a conflict.

5.      Check in with your partners needs. Don’t assume how your partner is feeling or what they need. Ask. Check in with how you are doing or how you could be meeting their needs.

Partner Sexy Worksheet!

Sex can be a difficult conversation to have. Where do you even begin to talk to your partner about sex?

Here are 5 questions that can help jump-start a conversation with your partner:

What does sex mean to you?

When do you feel the most erotic/sexy?

What was your best sexual experience with me?

What is something you want to try but have been afraid to ask?

What’s your favorite thing that I do?

Find some private time to really be present and relax. Incorporate some sort of touch while asking. Take turns asking each other. Hopefully this will spark some erotic and playful energy into an important but sometimes uncomfortable topic.

When Things Go Wrong..

Relationships can be wonderful and amazing.

But relationships can be frustrating and even a bit difficult.

A relationship consists of two individuals from completely different backgrounds and experiences. Together those two people are attempting to create a life but with separate visions of what that life will look like. This is where things can get tricky. Often, people in a relationship don’t talk about what their vision for the relationship looks like or where they want the relationship to go. Assumptions suddenly appear and two people who are already bringing past experiences and perspectives into the mix, can start to veer off track.

Getting off track can be scary. Fights happen and suddenly you are afraid of where things are going. Once a wee little pea under the mattress is suddenly the size of a watermelon. How do you get back to where you started? How do you salvage the relationship? Is all lost?

No.

One of the most overlooked but easiest way to fix a relationship seems almost too easy. You just consider the other person.

Too easy? Too simple? No. Here’s why…

When counseling couples, one of the first things I like to teach them is how to express empathy for each other. Empathy, I explain, is the ability to put yourself in your partners shoes. To always be considering your partner’s feelings and experience. This is often at the root of conflict and issues in a relationship. When you stop considering your partner, the relationship can start to shift. Feelings of loneliness and resentment can build, and it can spiral from there.

What does it look like to bring empathy or consideration back into your relationship? Some of things are incredibly simple:

Ask your partner. There is no better way to consider them, than to ask. Whether it’s a problem at work or some decision you are thinking of making, bring them into it. Ask their opinion. Ask how they think you should handle it. A small gesture of seeking them out in this way can make your partner feel heard.

Lean in. I’ll admit, this easy concept can be difficult. Mainly because, everyone copes with stress and problems in different ways. So, for some folks, they tend to disconnect or pull away when things get rough. That isn’t a bad way to deal with things, but when you’re in a relationship you can create a story in your head and for someone partners the story they create when you pull away can feel intentional. Someone who withdraws could be trying to cope with some sort of stressor or something unrelated to the relationship, but the partner creates this story of how they did something wrong, or hurt their partner and distance happens. That’s why leaning into your partner can be such a wonderful thing if even to let them know you are fine and here but you are trying to work through something unrelated or maybe even related. But, letting them know the distance isn’t permanent or it’s not because of something they’ve done.

Actively listen. This one is something so many folks struggle with. The desire to “fix” a problem when maybe just being heard is all your partner is needing. To actively listen, you need to shut off the instinct to trouble shoot. Just stay present in the communication, maybe even mirror back what your partner is saying and validate their experience. Mirroring is an active way of showing your partner you’re listening, and validating is all about making them feel heard. Just being heard can go such a long way in consideration.

Be curious. Sometimes we assume in a relationship what our partner needs or how they feel. As humans, our condition is constantly changing. We are constantly changing. It makes sense that you may not always be in tune with your partners wants or needs. So, get curious. Check in if they are needing alone time or an outlet to recharge their batteries and encourage this. Taking time to care for yourself is important to show up in the best way for your partner. This doesn’t mean you love them less, but you still need to give yourself a little love to be your best in the relationship.

Put yourself in their shoes. This is something I know you have probably heard in childhood or maybe even as an adult. Putting yourself in someone’s shoes is trying to see their perspective. When conflict is happening or there is some big fight, pause the issue and step away. While you are taking time to cool down, think to yourself how your partner is feeling right now. What would it be like to be in their shoes? How would you feel to hear the things your saying or experience the situation from their point of view? If you take the time to realize, even for a second, that your partner has this whole other perspective and what may feel a certain way to you could be completely different for them.

Relationships can be hard but feeling connected to your partner, feeling safe and loved is such an amazing feeling. Relationships can’t always be sunshine and daisies, but with a little consideration it can be incredible and connecting.

None of these things are a magical solution, but they can help. If you are struggling to get things back on track or just feeling like maybe you need more help than reading articles can give you, reach out to a couple’s counselor. Having someone trained to heal a relationship can be an empowering experience and one that is worth investing in when things gets dicey. Hopefully even before things get too dire.

Where Does the Sex Go?

Do you ever wonder what about the beginning of a relationship is filled with passion and lots of sex?

Desire is the reason.

Desire can be subtle. Desire can be predictable, but it can also be incredibly unpredictable. Desire is part biology and part psychology. The biological nature of arousal comes from the differences between men and women. For most men, arousal comes before desire. Meaning a man doesn’t necessarily have to feel the desire to be aroused. But for most women, desire often happens first, before arousal. What that means is, for most women, arousal comes in response to physical intimacy, being emotionally connected and good context.

Alfred Kinsey, the pioneer of sex research, once said the only universal in human sexuality is the variability itself. Basically, everyone is different when it comes to sex and desire.

This is the reason sex is so complicated.

That’s why, in order to figure out what your partner desires; you must communicate. Talking about sex can seem scary and make you feel exposed or it can be erotic and playful. In fact, talking about sex actually opens the door to creating a safe and intimate space between partners. A space where acceptance of one another can lead to connection and vulnerability and a chance to be curious about your partner. Creating that curiosity keeps the erotic energy and desire alive in your relationship and prevents a stale partnership where you exist as roommates and not lovers. When this curiosity is lost, romance and passion are often lost. At the beginning of a relationship, desire and intimacy are at its peak as you are curious about this mysterious person. But then, time and obligations shift the relationship out of that beginning phase and into one of comfort and companionship. Not that comfort and companionship isn’t important, it is, but so is intimacy and that is usually the first to disappear.

But, luckily, it can be found again. Desire and passion are never completely lost. They can be found in the spaces between the normal ups and downs of your lives. You just need to know where to look.

Desire is often hidden in the deep conversations and the playfulness on a Sunday morning.

Desire is in the random touch as you pass by in the kitchen, or in the moments when you connect at the end of the day.

Desire is in the moments when you share your day with your partner over coffee and enter their world.

Desire is in the cuddles at night just before you drift off to sleep.

Desire can be created a million different ways; to find out all you need to do is ask. Ask your partner what you do that makes them feel desired. Or, what makes them feel the most connected to you and do more of that.

Some of those ways could be:

Setting aside time weekly to connect. No electronics, no distractions, nothing but you and your partner. You could call it a date and put it in the calendar or you could leave it more spontaneous and just cuddle on the couch rubbing feet, while you replay your week. The activity is less important than taking the time to prioritize one another and give your focus and time to them.

Leave loving or naughty notes for each other. This one may seem a bit simple and silly but it’s a quick and easy way to make your partner smile.

Bring play back into the relationship. This can be more of a personal thing for each couple but that makes it even better. Everything about life can be serious and stressful, bringing play back into the relationship can help you connect on a deeper level.

Flirt like you just met. An easy way to take your relationship back to the beginning, talk like you did then. Send flirty texts or messages, flirt when you are at home and cooking dinner or even when you’re out on a date.

These are just a few and hopefully a good jumping-off point for your relationship. Be as creative as you want and what works for your relationship. Just be intentional with taking the time to prioritize your partner and your relationship and the desire will find it’s way back.

5 Things to Know About Sex

Think back to your childhood and adolescence, how did you learn about sex?

Did you have a sex education class where you were taught about desire, intimacy, and arousal? Most likely not.

Those of us who were lucky enough to have a sexual education class (I use that loosely), learned about sexually transmitted infections, the importance of abstinence and condom installation. Complete failure that left us ill-equipped.

How prepared can you be for life and relationships when you are never taught how to exist in one sexually? How can you talk about what you like sexually when no one was able to even talk to you about what sex actually is?

This is where the trouble with sex begins.

But, this is why I am here, to educate you about sex. But before I do that, let me tell you a smidge about who I am. I’m Heather, a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in sexuality and all the things that entail. To sum it up, I am a sex therapist. Like most things in life, we tend to focus on things that stir something within ourselves. Hence, my graduate studies focused on sexuality as I struggled to figure out my own. Fast forward to the present, I am trained and continue training and supervision to help people with all things sex.

Now, back to the topic at hand. SEX. Here are the top 5 things you need to know about sex.

1.      Sex and intercourse are not the same. With the lack or minimal sex education, we are often left not knowing the difference or assuming they are one and the same. But they are not. Sex is defined by each pair (or more). Sex can consist of mouth on parts, hands and fingers on parts or things inside, outside, the list goes on and on. But, that’s the thing, sex can be anything. Yes, intercourse can be an activity that takes place during sex BUT a penis in a vagina is not all sex is.

2.      Orgasms are not just for guys. If you take anything away from this short introduction, I want this to be it. Women’s orgasms are a priority too. For centuries sex has been framed as the act of a penis in a vagina that ends when the penis ejaculates. Sounds a bit unfair. How about sex begins when desire and arousal begin and ends when both parties are satisfied, whatever that looks like to each couple. Let’s stop thinking of orgasms as a finish line and sex as a race. For quickies, sure, maybe there is a finish line as the kids are screaming or someone must get to work but at that point, all parties should still reach orgasm if they want.

3.      The clitoris is key. Over 70 percent of women can only orgasm through clitoral stimulation. Do you know what that means? If you are a vulva packing person, you have probably faked it. I’m not calling you out, okay I am, stop faking it.  Just because you cannot orgasm through penetration does not mean something is wrong with you. You are in the majority. It is okay to tell your partner you need licked or touched or even pulling out your vibrator. Your orgasm matters. How do you think lesbians have sex and why do you think the statistic is so much higher for sexual satisfaction? I will tell you why, because the clitoris is the focus and that is where the magic happens!

4.      Sex isn’t something you can avoid talking about.  How on earth do you expect someone to know what makes you feel good if you don’t have a clue what makes you feel good? Give yourself some self-love (and by that, I mean masturbate) and figure out what floats your boat. Then talk about it with your partner. After sex, talk about what worked and what didn’t. It might be uncomfortable at first, but that’s how you learn and how you get comfortable.

5.      Intimacy takes time. To keep intimacy in your relationship, you must make the time. I know in the beginning it seems like everything happens spontaneously and the time for intimacy appears out of thin air. But, it doesn’t. The spontaneity of the beginning was well thought out and planned (think about the pre-shave, the time you put into being ready and the dates scheduled) and prioritized. As life happens, you must focus on making intimacy a priority. Don’t lose track of the cuddles and kisses amid work and life. Make time each day to connect to your partner, plan a date or plan to initiate sex. The difference between the beginning of your relationship and now is where sex and intimacy land on your to-do list.

To be fair, we are never taught what we need to know about relationships and sex. We learn the hard way, by failing and experience. Sometimes, we learn through media and pornography which is a whole other conversation. How do you expect your partner to know if you never learned yourself?

So often, sex becomes this big elephant in the room that doesn’t get addressed and then becomes this conflict that goes unresolved. Resentment begins to grow, and a relationship can start to suffer when intimacy disappears.  The good news is, when intimacy is lost, it can be found.

Let me help share what I know and hopefully create a sexier and more connected life. This is just the tip of the iceberg and I hope you will come back to explore each topic a little deeper.