Partner Sexy Worksheet!

Sex can be a difficult conversation to have. Where do you even begin to talk to your partner about sex?

Here are 5 questions that can help jump-start a conversation with your partner:

What does sex mean to you?

When do you feel the most erotic/sexy?

What was your best sexual experience with me?

What is something you want to try but have been afraid to ask?

What’s your favorite thing that I do?

Find some private time to really be present and relax. Incorporate some sort of touch while asking. Take turns asking each other. Hopefully this will spark some erotic and playful energy into an important but sometimes uncomfortable topic.

Where Does the Sex Go?

Do you ever wonder what about the beginning of a relationship is filled with passion and lots of sex?

Desire is the reason.

Desire can be subtle. Desire can be predictable, but it can also be incredibly unpredictable. Desire is part biology and part psychology. The biological nature of arousal comes from the differences between men and women. For most men, arousal comes before desire. Meaning a man doesn’t necessarily have to feel the desire to be aroused. But for most women, desire often happens first, before arousal. What that means is, for most women, arousal comes in response to physical intimacy, being emotionally connected and good context.

Alfred Kinsey, the pioneer of sex research, once said the only universal in human sexuality is the variability itself. Basically, everyone is different when it comes to sex and desire.

This is the reason sex is so complicated.

That’s why, in order to figure out what your partner desires; you must communicate. Talking about sex can seem scary and make you feel exposed or it can be erotic and playful. In fact, talking about sex actually opens the door to creating a safe and intimate space between partners. A space where acceptance of one another can lead to connection and vulnerability and a chance to be curious about your partner. Creating that curiosity keeps the erotic energy and desire alive in your relationship and prevents a stale partnership where you exist as roommates and not lovers. When this curiosity is lost, romance and passion are often lost. At the beginning of a relationship, desire and intimacy are at its peak as you are curious about this mysterious person. But then, time and obligations shift the relationship out of that beginning phase and into one of comfort and companionship. Not that comfort and companionship isn’t important, it is, but so is intimacy and that is usually the first to disappear.

But, luckily, it can be found again. Desire and passion are never completely lost. They can be found in the spaces between the normal ups and downs of your lives. You just need to know where to look.

Desire is often hidden in the deep conversations and the playfulness on a Sunday morning.

Desire is in the random touch as you pass by in the kitchen, or in the moments when you connect at the end of the day.

Desire is in the moments when you share your day with your partner over coffee and enter their world.

Desire is in the cuddles at night just before you drift off to sleep.

Desire can be created a million different ways; to find out all you need to do is ask. Ask your partner what you do that makes them feel desired. Or, what makes them feel the most connected to you and do more of that.

Some of those ways could be:

Setting aside time weekly to connect. No electronics, no distractions, nothing but you and your partner. You could call it a date and put it in the calendar or you could leave it more spontaneous and just cuddle on the couch rubbing feet, while you replay your week. The activity is less important than taking the time to prioritize one another and give your focus and time to them.

Leave loving or naughty notes for each other. This one may seem a bit simple and silly but it’s a quick and easy way to make your partner smile.

Bring play back into the relationship. This can be more of a personal thing for each couple but that makes it even better. Everything about life can be serious and stressful, bringing play back into the relationship can help you connect on a deeper level.

Flirt like you just met. An easy way to take your relationship back to the beginning, talk like you did then. Send flirty texts or messages, flirt when you are at home and cooking dinner or even when you’re out on a date.

These are just a few and hopefully a good jumping-off point for your relationship. Be as creative as you want and what works for your relationship. Just be intentional with taking the time to prioritize your partner and your relationship and the desire will find it’s way back.

Sex Redefined

Most people use sex and intercourse interchangeably. But this is not completely accurate. Using these terms interchangeably is like saying an appetizer is the same thing as an entire meal. Yes, an appetizer is a part of the meal, but it is only one aspect. Yes, it could be the whole meal, or it could be skipped altogether.

Intercourse has always been painted as the main event, the thing that makes sex, sex.  With everything else labeled as “foreplay” or “just playing around’ and as such, not seen as not the real deal. That is doing a disservice to sex. Even doing a disservice to women since more than 70% of women can only reach orgasm through clitoral stimulation. Sex is so much more than intercourse. Sex is both partners experiencing intimacy and pleasure. Sex is not some race to win.

One of the reasons why we need to change seeing sex as intercourse is for those who may not be able to perform 100% of the time. But sex has always been portrayed as this performance. The main event in some hot and steamy night.  Wow, what a lot of pressure. No wonder when guys don’t stay hard as long as they would like or can’t get erections every time they want, they become embarrassed and ashamed. Or even women who may suffer from pain during intercourse, how much guilt does that bring to the relationship when you can’t “perform”? Just think about it, with all the pressure to perform, stage freight is bound to happen.

Another reason sex isn’t intercourse is because not everyone has intercourse, maybe even ever. Let’s look at relationships who may not have a penis packer or a vulva owner, what if there are two penises or two vaginas’? Does that mean sex doesn’t happen since there may never be intercourse? So then, that can lead to a whole lot of other feelings. Like, if you are in that type of relationship it can make you feel invalid or illicit unwanted questions. It can lead to questions like, “what do you guys do for sex?” A question I and most lesbians have been asked a hundred times at least. Why is it so impossible to believe some folks aren’t interested in penetration of any kind? Because, we are taught intercourse is sex, but it’s not.

So, let’s change that. What happens when we change this common misconception? When we differentiate between sex and intercourse. When intercourse becomes optional, sex then becomes this whole experience and can look a million different ways. Sex can consist of just oral on one or both partners or maybe a night of anal penetration followed by some amazing cuddling. Sex can include manual stimulation of one partner followed by some hardcore making out. Sex can be one partner tied up and spanked. Do you get my point? Sex can be all or none of these things. Sex is literally what you make of it. Understanding this and reframing how we view sex empowers everyone in every relationship. By reframing, we stop seeing intercourse as something to get to and we slow down and enjoy the delicious moments of intimacy that is happening during sex. We take the pressure of someone to perform and we open up space for both partners (or more) to enjoy what is happening. We can slow down and feel pleasure and be present in the activities that are taking place. Then both partners (again, or more) leave the experience satisfied and connected. Connection can then happen in those moments before, during AND after. Doesn’t that sound amazing?