Making Valentine's Day Last

I have a lot of couples who come to see me who are struggling with their relationships. Maybe they are healing from infidelity. Maybe they are feeling more like roommates than partners. Maybe they have not had sex in months and feeling really disconnected. No matter the reason, there is usually a common thread in all of them. The intentionality is missing.

Being intentional isn’t something we learn or talk about when we are dating someone, it just happens. The honeymoon phase is effortless, and your partner feels like a priority. We are never as intentional in a relationship as we are at the beginning, and Valentine’s day. That’s the reason I love Valentine’s day so much, it sets the intention for you. Every year there is a day on the calendar that remind us we need to make our partner feel loved and seen, just like in the beginning. So, this year, decide to keep the spirit of Valentine’s day going all year long and be an intentional partner.

Here are 5 ways to be deliberate in your relationship this year:

1.      Set aside time each day to check in with your partner in an open and meaningful way. Don’t just get stuck in the busyness of life, check in. Ask your partner how their day was and be present in their answer. Be open to sharing what’s happening in your life and in your day.

2.      Prioritize your partner. When the honeymoon phase ends, we get stuck in the rut of assuming our partner knows how much we love them, we committed to them, right? Wrong. Being intentional is about showing up in your relationship and showing your partner they are a priority in your life.

3.      Show love to your partner. Talk to your partner about how they receive love. We all feel loved in different ways, it’s important that you know what makes your partner feel loved and do that.

4.      See things from your partners perspective. Your partner experiences things differently. So, it isn’t absurd to realize that they see and feel things very differently. When there is conflict in the relationship, take the time to see things from their point of view. Maybe you do not agree, but to walk a mile in your partner shoes can really diffuse a conflict.

5.      Check in with your partners needs. Don’t assume how your partner is feeling or what they need. Ask. Check in with how you are doing or how you could be meeting their needs.

5 Things to Know About Sex

Think back to your childhood and adolescence, how did you learn about sex?

Did you have a sex education class where you were taught about desire, intimacy, and arousal? Most likely not.

Those of us who were lucky enough to have a sexual education class (I use that loosely), learned about sexually transmitted infections, the importance of abstinence and condom installation. Complete failure that left us ill-equipped.

How prepared can you be for life and relationships when you are never taught how to exist in one sexually? How can you talk about what you like sexually when no one was able to even talk to you about what sex actually is?

This is where the trouble with sex begins.

But, this is why I am here, to educate you about sex. But before I do that, let me tell you a smidge about who I am. I’m Heather, a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in sexuality and all the things that entail. To sum it up, I am a sex therapist. Like most things in life, we tend to focus on things that stir something within ourselves. Hence, my graduate studies focused on sexuality as I struggled to figure out my own. Fast forward to the present, I am trained and continue training and supervision to help people with all things sex.

Now, back to the topic at hand. SEX. Here are the top 5 things you need to know about sex.

1.      Sex and intercourse are not the same. With the lack or minimal sex education, we are often left not knowing the difference or assuming they are one and the same. But they are not. Sex is defined by each pair (or more). Sex can consist of mouth on parts, hands and fingers on parts or things inside, outside, the list goes on and on. But, that’s the thing, sex can be anything. Yes, intercourse can be an activity that takes place during sex BUT a penis in a vagina is not all sex is.

2.      Orgasms are not just for guys. If you take anything away from this short introduction, I want this to be it. Women’s orgasms are a priority too. For centuries sex has been framed as the act of a penis in a vagina that ends when the penis ejaculates. Sounds a bit unfair. How about sex begins when desire and arousal begin and ends when both parties are satisfied, whatever that looks like to each couple. Let’s stop thinking of orgasms as a finish line and sex as a race. For quickies, sure, maybe there is a finish line as the kids are screaming or someone must get to work but at that point, all parties should still reach orgasm if they want.

3.      The clitoris is key. Over 70 percent of women can only orgasm through clitoral stimulation. Do you know what that means? If you are a vulva packing person, you have probably faked it. I’m not calling you out, okay I am, stop faking it.  Just because you cannot orgasm through penetration does not mean something is wrong with you. You are in the majority. It is okay to tell your partner you need licked or touched or even pulling out your vibrator. Your orgasm matters. How do you think lesbians have sex and why do you think the statistic is so much higher for sexual satisfaction? I will tell you why, because the clitoris is the focus and that is where the magic happens!

4.      Sex isn’t something you can avoid talking about.  How on earth do you expect someone to know what makes you feel good if you don’t have a clue what makes you feel good? Give yourself some self-love (and by that, I mean masturbate) and figure out what floats your boat. Then talk about it with your partner. After sex, talk about what worked and what didn’t. It might be uncomfortable at first, but that’s how you learn and how you get comfortable.

5.      Intimacy takes time. To keep intimacy in your relationship, you must make the time. I know in the beginning it seems like everything happens spontaneously and the time for intimacy appears out of thin air. But, it doesn’t. The spontaneity of the beginning was well thought out and planned (think about the pre-shave, the time you put into being ready and the dates scheduled) and prioritized. As life happens, you must focus on making intimacy a priority. Don’t lose track of the cuddles and kisses amid work and life. Make time each day to connect to your partner, plan a date or plan to initiate sex. The difference between the beginning of your relationship and now is where sex and intimacy land on your to-do list.

To be fair, we are never taught what we need to know about relationships and sex. We learn the hard way, by failing and experience. Sometimes, we learn through media and pornography which is a whole other conversation. How do you expect your partner to know if you never learned yourself?

So often, sex becomes this big elephant in the room that doesn’t get addressed and then becomes this conflict that goes unresolved. Resentment begins to grow, and a relationship can start to suffer when intimacy disappears.  The good news is, when intimacy is lost, it can be found.

Let me help share what I know and hopefully create a sexier and more connected life. This is just the tip of the iceberg and I hope you will come back to explore each topic a little deeper.