Where Does the Sex Go?

Do you ever wonder what about the beginning of a relationship is filled with passion and lots of sex?

Desire is the reason.

Desire can be subtle. Desire can be predictable, but it can also be incredibly unpredictable. Desire is part biology and part psychology. The biological nature of arousal comes from the differences between men and women. For most men, arousal comes before desire. Meaning a man doesn’t necessarily have to feel the desire to be aroused. But for most women, desire often happens first, before arousal. What that means is, for most women, arousal comes in response to physical intimacy, being emotionally connected and good context.

Alfred Kinsey, the pioneer of sex research, once said the only universal in human sexuality is the variability itself. Basically, everyone is different when it comes to sex and desire.

This is the reason sex is so complicated.

That’s why, in order to figure out what your partner desires; you must communicate. Talking about sex can seem scary and make you feel exposed or it can be erotic and playful. In fact, talking about sex actually opens the door to creating a safe and intimate space between partners. A space where acceptance of one another can lead to connection and vulnerability and a chance to be curious about your partner. Creating that curiosity keeps the erotic energy and desire alive in your relationship and prevents a stale partnership where you exist as roommates and not lovers. When this curiosity is lost, romance and passion are often lost. At the beginning of a relationship, desire and intimacy are at its peak as you are curious about this mysterious person. But then, time and obligations shift the relationship out of that beginning phase and into one of comfort and companionship. Not that comfort and companionship isn’t important, it is, but so is intimacy and that is usually the first to disappear.

But, luckily, it can be found again. Desire and passion are never completely lost. They can be found in the spaces between the normal ups and downs of your lives. You just need to know where to look.

Desire is often hidden in the deep conversations and the playfulness on a Sunday morning.

Desire is in the random touch as you pass by in the kitchen, or in the moments when you connect at the end of the day.

Desire is in the moments when you share your day with your partner over coffee and enter their world.

Desire is in the cuddles at night just before you drift off to sleep.

Desire can be created a million different ways; to find out all you need to do is ask. Ask your partner what you do that makes them feel desired. Or, what makes them feel the most connected to you and do more of that.

Some of those ways could be:

Setting aside time weekly to connect. No electronics, no distractions, nothing but you and your partner. You could call it a date and put it in the calendar or you could leave it more spontaneous and just cuddle on the couch rubbing feet, while you replay your week. The activity is less important than taking the time to prioritize one another and give your focus and time to them.

Leave loving or naughty notes for each other. This one may seem a bit simple and silly but it’s a quick and easy way to make your partner smile.

Bring play back into the relationship. This can be more of a personal thing for each couple but that makes it even better. Everything about life can be serious and stressful, bringing play back into the relationship can help you connect on a deeper level.

Flirt like you just met. An easy way to take your relationship back to the beginning, talk like you did then. Send flirty texts or messages, flirt when you are at home and cooking dinner or even when you’re out on a date.

These are just a few and hopefully a good jumping-off point for your relationship. Be as creative as you want and what works for your relationship. Just be intentional with taking the time to prioritize your partner and your relationship and the desire will find it’s way back.