Partner Sexy Worksheet!

Sex can be a difficult conversation to have. Where do you even begin to talk to your partner about sex?

Here are 5 questions that can help jump-start a conversation with your partner:

What does sex mean to you?

When do you feel the most erotic/sexy?

What was your best sexual experience with me?

What is something you want to try but have been afraid to ask?

What’s your favorite thing that I do?

Find some private time to really be present and relax. Incorporate some sort of touch while asking. Take turns asking each other. Hopefully this will spark some erotic and playful energy into an important but sometimes uncomfortable topic.

Sex Redefined

Most people use sex and intercourse interchangeably. But this is not completely accurate. Using these terms interchangeably is like saying an appetizer is the same thing as an entire meal. Yes, an appetizer is a part of the meal, but it is only one aspect. Yes, it could be the whole meal, or it could be skipped altogether.

Intercourse has always been painted as the main event, the thing that makes sex, sex.  With everything else labeled as “foreplay” or “just playing around’ and as such, not seen as not the real deal. That is doing a disservice to sex. Even doing a disservice to women since more than 70% of women can only reach orgasm through clitoral stimulation. Sex is so much more than intercourse. Sex is both partners experiencing intimacy and pleasure. Sex is not some race to win.

One of the reasons why we need to change seeing sex as intercourse is for those who may not be able to perform 100% of the time. But sex has always been portrayed as this performance. The main event in some hot and steamy night.  Wow, what a lot of pressure. No wonder when guys don’t stay hard as long as they would like or can’t get erections every time they want, they become embarrassed and ashamed. Or even women who may suffer from pain during intercourse, how much guilt does that bring to the relationship when you can’t “perform”? Just think about it, with all the pressure to perform, stage freight is bound to happen.

Another reason sex isn’t intercourse is because not everyone has intercourse, maybe even ever. Let’s look at relationships who may not have a penis packer or a vulva owner, what if there are two penises or two vaginas’? Does that mean sex doesn’t happen since there may never be intercourse? So then, that can lead to a whole lot of other feelings. Like, if you are in that type of relationship it can make you feel invalid or illicit unwanted questions. It can lead to questions like, “what do you guys do for sex?” A question I and most lesbians have been asked a hundred times at least. Why is it so impossible to believe some folks aren’t interested in penetration of any kind? Because, we are taught intercourse is sex, but it’s not.

So, let’s change that. What happens when we change this common misconception? When we differentiate between sex and intercourse. When intercourse becomes optional, sex then becomes this whole experience and can look a million different ways. Sex can consist of just oral on one or both partners or maybe a night of anal penetration followed by some amazing cuddling. Sex can include manual stimulation of one partner followed by some hardcore making out. Sex can be one partner tied up and spanked. Do you get my point? Sex can be all or none of these things. Sex is literally what you make of it. Understanding this and reframing how we view sex empowers everyone in every relationship. By reframing, we stop seeing intercourse as something to get to and we slow down and enjoy the delicious moments of intimacy that is happening during sex. We take the pressure of someone to perform and we open up space for both partners (or more) to enjoy what is happening. We can slow down and feel pleasure and be present in the activities that are taking place. Then both partners (again, or more) leave the experience satisfied and connected. Connection can then happen in those moments before, during AND after. Doesn’t that sound amazing?

5 Things to Know About Sex

Think back to your childhood and adolescence, how did you learn about sex?

Did you have a sex education class where you were taught about desire, intimacy, and arousal? Most likely not.

Those of us who were lucky enough to have a sexual education class (I use that loosely), learned about sexually transmitted infections, the importance of abstinence and condom installation. Complete failure that left us ill-equipped.

How prepared can you be for life and relationships when you are never taught how to exist in one sexually? How can you talk about what you like sexually when no one was able to even talk to you about what sex actually is?

This is where the trouble with sex begins.

But, this is why I am here, to educate you about sex. But before I do that, let me tell you a smidge about who I am. I’m Heather, a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in sexuality and all the things that entail. To sum it up, I am a sex therapist. Like most things in life, we tend to focus on things that stir something within ourselves. Hence, my graduate studies focused on sexuality as I struggled to figure out my own. Fast forward to the present, I am trained and continue training and supervision to help people with all things sex.

Now, back to the topic at hand. SEX. Here are the top 5 things you need to know about sex.

1.      Sex and intercourse are not the same. With the lack or minimal sex education, we are often left not knowing the difference or assuming they are one and the same. But they are not. Sex is defined by each pair (or more). Sex can consist of mouth on parts, hands and fingers on parts or things inside, outside, the list goes on and on. But, that’s the thing, sex can be anything. Yes, intercourse can be an activity that takes place during sex BUT a penis in a vagina is not all sex is.

2.      Orgasms are not just for guys. If you take anything away from this short introduction, I want this to be it. Women’s orgasms are a priority too. For centuries sex has been framed as the act of a penis in a vagina that ends when the penis ejaculates. Sounds a bit unfair. How about sex begins when desire and arousal begin and ends when both parties are satisfied, whatever that looks like to each couple. Let’s stop thinking of orgasms as a finish line and sex as a race. For quickies, sure, maybe there is a finish line as the kids are screaming or someone must get to work but at that point, all parties should still reach orgasm if they want.

3.      The clitoris is key. Over 70 percent of women can only orgasm through clitoral stimulation. Do you know what that means? If you are a vulva packing person, you have probably faked it. I’m not calling you out, okay I am, stop faking it.  Just because you cannot orgasm through penetration does not mean something is wrong with you. You are in the majority. It is okay to tell your partner you need licked or touched or even pulling out your vibrator. Your orgasm matters. How do you think lesbians have sex and why do you think the statistic is so much higher for sexual satisfaction? I will tell you why, because the clitoris is the focus and that is where the magic happens!

4.      Sex isn’t something you can avoid talking about.  How on earth do you expect someone to know what makes you feel good if you don’t have a clue what makes you feel good? Give yourself some self-love (and by that, I mean masturbate) and figure out what floats your boat. Then talk about it with your partner. After sex, talk about what worked and what didn’t. It might be uncomfortable at first, but that’s how you learn and how you get comfortable.

5.      Intimacy takes time. To keep intimacy in your relationship, you must make the time. I know in the beginning it seems like everything happens spontaneously and the time for intimacy appears out of thin air. But, it doesn’t. The spontaneity of the beginning was well thought out and planned (think about the pre-shave, the time you put into being ready and the dates scheduled) and prioritized. As life happens, you must focus on making intimacy a priority. Don’t lose track of the cuddles and kisses amid work and life. Make time each day to connect to your partner, plan a date or plan to initiate sex. The difference between the beginning of your relationship and now is where sex and intimacy land on your to-do list.

To be fair, we are never taught what we need to know about relationships and sex. We learn the hard way, by failing and experience. Sometimes, we learn through media and pornography which is a whole other conversation. How do you expect your partner to know if you never learned yourself?

So often, sex becomes this big elephant in the room that doesn’t get addressed and then becomes this conflict that goes unresolved. Resentment begins to grow, and a relationship can start to suffer when intimacy disappears.  The good news is, when intimacy is lost, it can be found.

Let me help share what I know and hopefully create a sexier and more connected life. This is just the tip of the iceberg and I hope you will come back to explore each topic a little deeper.