Making Valentine's Day Last

I have a lot of couples who come to see me who are struggling with their relationships. Maybe they are healing from infidelity. Maybe they are feeling more like roommates than partners. Maybe they have not had sex in months and feeling really disconnected. No matter the reason, there is usually a common thread in all of them. The intentionality is missing.

Being intentional isn’t something we learn or talk about when we are dating someone, it just happens. The honeymoon phase is effortless, and your partner feels like a priority. We are never as intentional in a relationship as we are at the beginning, and Valentine’s day. That’s the reason I love Valentine’s day so much, it sets the intention for you. Every year there is a day on the calendar that remind us we need to make our partner feel loved and seen, just like in the beginning. So, this year, decide to keep the spirit of Valentine’s day going all year long and be an intentional partner.

Here are 5 ways to be deliberate in your relationship this year:

1.      Set aside time each day to check in with your partner in an open and meaningful way. Don’t just get stuck in the busyness of life, check in. Ask your partner how their day was and be present in their answer. Be open to sharing what’s happening in your life and in your day.

2.      Prioritize your partner. When the honeymoon phase ends, we get stuck in the rut of assuming our partner knows how much we love them, we committed to them, right? Wrong. Being intentional is about showing up in your relationship and showing your partner they are a priority in your life.

3.      Show love to your partner. Talk to your partner about how they receive love. We all feel loved in different ways, it’s important that you know what makes your partner feel loved and do that.

4.      See things from your partners perspective. Your partner experiences things differently. So, it isn’t absurd to realize that they see and feel things very differently. When there is conflict in the relationship, take the time to see things from their point of view. Maybe you do not agree, but to walk a mile in your partner shoes can really diffuse a conflict.

5.      Check in with your partners needs. Don’t assume how your partner is feeling or what they need. Ask. Check in with how you are doing or how you could be meeting their needs.

What is Trauma?

What exactly is ‘trauma’? 

In my career as a helper, one of the most common questions I ask new clients is, “have you ever experienced any traumatic events?” Not always, but often, clients respond with, “what do you mean by a traumatic event?” I have noticed that clinicians, mental health advocates, and even media personalities throw around the word ‘trauma’ quite a bit, but many people do not know what all that entails.  

So what exactly is ‘trauma’? Maybe when you think about trauma, you think about someone who has served in active combat. While you would be correct, trauma experiences go far beyond military service. As a psychotherapist, I define trauma as any experiences you may have had where your core belief system (i.e., ‘people are generally good,’ ‘I am safe,’ etc.) and/or your survival was threatened in some way. Using that as a working definition, it is highly likely that almost everyone has experienced some type of trauma in their lifetime. Traumatic experiences can range from intimate partner violence to car accidents to bullying in school. Sometimes, individuals experience single-event ‘big T traumas’ like surviving a natural disaster or sexual abuse. Sometimes, individuals experience multiple ‘little t traumas’ like losing a job or the death of a loved one. Many times, we as humans experience a combination of T(t)raumas throughout our lifetimes, and we can certainly feel the impacts of these events.  

Regardless of whether you have only experienced Traumas or traumas, our physical bodies cannot distinguish the difference and will still respond in the same way. You will still experience reactions like nightmares or feeling ‘on edge.’ Think of like this: you are carrying a backpack in life, and each traumatic experience is added weight to the backpack. For every Trauma, you add 5 pounds; for every trauma, you add 2 pounds. It does not matter if you have only 2 Traumas or only 5 traumas—the backpack is still going to be the same weight! And that is OKAY—we are humans having lived experiences. Experiencing traumas does not mean that we are broken or damaged. These are things that happen to us; they do not have to define who we are.  

If you are interested in talking about your own traumatic experiences or finding out more information on how EMDR therapy helps us process traumatic experiences, I would love to walk this journey alongside you!  

-Dr. Lindsey  

Where Does the Sex Go?

Do you ever wonder what about the beginning of a relationship is filled with passion and lots of sex?

Desire is the reason.

Desire can be subtle. Desire can be predictable, but it can also be incredibly unpredictable. Desire is part biology and part psychology. The biological nature of arousal comes from the differences between men and women. For most men, arousal comes before desire. Meaning a man doesn’t necessarily have to feel the desire to be aroused. But for most women, desire often happens first, before arousal. What that means is, for most women, arousal comes in response to physical intimacy, being emotionally connected and good context.

Alfred Kinsey, the pioneer of sex research, once said the only universal in human sexuality is the variability itself. Basically, everyone is different when it comes to sex and desire.

This is the reason sex is so complicated.

That’s why, in order to figure out what your partner desires; you must communicate. Talking about sex can seem scary and make you feel exposed or it can be erotic and playful. In fact, talking about sex actually opens the door to creating a safe and intimate space between partners. A space where acceptance of one another can lead to connection and vulnerability and a chance to be curious about your partner. Creating that curiosity keeps the erotic energy and desire alive in your relationship and prevents a stale partnership where you exist as roommates and not lovers. When this curiosity is lost, romance and passion are often lost. At the beginning of a relationship, desire and intimacy are at its peak as you are curious about this mysterious person. But then, time and obligations shift the relationship out of that beginning phase and into one of comfort and companionship. Not that comfort and companionship isn’t important, it is, but so is intimacy and that is usually the first to disappear.

But, luckily, it can be found again. Desire and passion are never completely lost. They can be found in the spaces between the normal ups and downs of your lives. You just need to know where to look.

Desire is often hidden in the deep conversations and the playfulness on a Sunday morning.

Desire is in the random touch as you pass by in the kitchen, or in the moments when you connect at the end of the day.

Desire is in the moments when you share your day with your partner over coffee and enter their world.

Desire is in the cuddles at night just before you drift off to sleep.

Desire can be created a million different ways; to find out all you need to do is ask. Ask your partner what you do that makes them feel desired. Or, what makes them feel the most connected to you and do more of that.

Some of those ways could be:

Setting aside time weekly to connect. No electronics, no distractions, nothing but you and your partner. You could call it a date and put it in the calendar or you could leave it more spontaneous and just cuddle on the couch rubbing feet, while you replay your week. The activity is less important than taking the time to prioritize one another and give your focus and time to them.

Leave loving or naughty notes for each other. This one may seem a bit simple and silly but it’s a quick and easy way to make your partner smile.

Bring play back into the relationship. This can be more of a personal thing for each couple but that makes it even better. Everything about life can be serious and stressful, bringing play back into the relationship can help you connect on a deeper level.

Flirt like you just met. An easy way to take your relationship back to the beginning, talk like you did then. Send flirty texts or messages, flirt when you are at home and cooking dinner or even when you’re out on a date.

These are just a few and hopefully a good jumping-off point for your relationship. Be as creative as you want and what works for your relationship. Just be intentional with taking the time to prioritize your partner and your relationship and the desire will find it’s way back.